So….What Do You DO?
I was asked this question recently, not for the first time, but just like every time, it threw me for a loop. You see, this question is always asked after people find out that my husband is the only one in our relationship who works outside of the home, and it’s never asked…let’s say…politely. It’s asked with the semblance of politeness, masking the real question, which is “Why doesn’t your lazy ass have a job?” I know, I know, some of you are probably thinking “Christina, you’re projecting, they’re just genuinely curious.” But no. NO. I’m not projecting. People actually do this, and they mean it exactly the way I’m taking it. Because when I answer: “Oh, I work from home and tend to my babies.”, the response is a dismissive ” Oh, that sounds fun.” O_O FUN? FUN?! It sounds…..FUN?! So, anything that’s not clocking into a job, at an office or wherever….is fun? Whatever, girl. (Because, of course, only women ask me this $%#^, and respond this way.)
I’m not going to spend time going into a detailed list of everything that I did as a SAHM, and everything that I currently do, as a WAHM (which is everything from before, just…working.) because that’s not the point of this post, really. What I AM going to do is tell you not to ever, not never, not ever in your life look another woman in her face and devalue what she does as a woman, wife, mother, whatever. Just because it’s different from what you do, or not in line with your experience, or not a part of your worldview. Can you believe I’m almost embarrassed to answer the question sometimes? Not that I’m insecure in my role in my family, because really? I’m pretty freaking awesome, and I don’t mind tooting my own horn. But somehow, THAT question, asked in THAT way just brings me to a place where I feel ashamed to say “Oh, I stay at home with my kids.” And that’s not ok. But I know that’s my own deep seated fear that maybe what I’m doing really isn’t good enough. Which begs the question “Not good enough for who?”. My kids are happy. My husband is happy, and insanely proud of me. In awe, actually, and he never fails to tell me that. So really, who am I trying to impress? OH, right, the people that think being home with your kids is FUN. You know what though? ” I WORK HARD, B&^%$!” (points if you can tell me what that’s from!)
I know this post is quite rambly, so, I’m going to wind this down. I guess the only thing I can really do is forge ahead, with my head held high, knowing that not only is what I do valuable, it’s the right thing for MY family. And when I get that followup question of “Hey, are you still just at home, or have you found a job yet?” I need to learn to say, with confidence, “Yep. I’m still at home.”
Man listen, sahm’s WORK! It’s a job within itself to take care of home 24/7. I love my child but I have to work and really I wouldn’t want it any other way. I get major props to moms who do it all. So screw folks who have something negative to say.
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It’s really sad when some women feel pressed to project their unhappiness and/or insecurity onto other women. That’s where that question comes from.
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Wow….you took the words right out of my mouth! We always planned for me to stay at home once we had a child. My baby is 4 months old. I say “we” because it was a decision we made together, but be it known that the choice is mine and I am thankful that my husband works hard so that I can be at home with our baby by providing for us. I am also proud that I can do the things for him and our child, our family, that I probably wouldn’t be as motivated to do without complaint were I to be employed outside of the house. It takes both of us to make this work the way that we feel it should and we both benefit. Leaving my job was tough, but it is certainly the best decision that I could have made for our family.
I hate that you sometimes feel ashamed when you respond to their questions…I deal/am dealing with that. To me, our reasons should be obvious, but people don’t tend to always see the good. They need the scoop, the gossip, their nosey a’s want something to talk about. They will make all sorts of assumptions unless you go into great detail to clarify why you don’t work, why you left work, etc. I’ve learned that you may even lose supposed friends because they just don’t feel that you are bringing value to discussions anymore (I could be imagining that this is starting to happen to me now….). They’ll smile with their mouths as though they understand/approve while their eyes say “oh, isn’t that fun”.
As Sweet Brown would say “I ain’t got time for dat”.
Truth be told, when I found you (you designed a few blogs for me – I never got’em off the ground) and I began following Being Mrs. Jones, I admired you. It was through your blog that I began discovering other like’minded wives and moms. I knew that this lifestyle was in the near future for us and I liked how you had your own business and was at home with your daughter and you were still nurturing your creative interests and all that jazz. You made me feel like I would be ok. You appear to have it together.
I’ll end with this (I’m rambling now). I know what you are dealing with. Sometimes I question myself. I’ve changed after becoming a SAHM. I think I’m a better wife (in my house – this opinion has no bearing on anyone else’s situation). My family is happy. Just know that for every idiot that crosses your path to challenge or de-value your choice to tend to your babies and your man, there is someone observing you wishing that they were in your shoes and studying you to see how they can make it work. Lots of my husband’s co-workers (he’s in the military, and I’m ex-military, so I know what they go through) have confinded that they wished they didn’t have to put their kids in daycare. Although I’m sympathetic to their feelings, I remain mum because I can easily say the wrong thing that could be misconstrued and me thinking I’m high and mighty because I’m “kept” (that’s not how I see it). And some of them are hoping I’ll say “I’ll keep your babies for you while you are at work – ummm no! Some have admitted that work is their escape, their time off! These moms realize what I’m doing. They have to leave their kids for months at a time on deployments and I guess have a deeper sensitivity to what it means to be a SAHM. I guess.. My boss, before I left, wanted me to stay and told me that I should just take an extended leave period and then “stick the kid in daycare” and come back to work until we transfer (which is next week – yay…headed to southern Cali!) Mind you, HIS wife was a SAHM, but he said she didn’t like it. But he tells me to stick my kid in daycare. Whatever. I left work 2 months before she was born for me time. He has not been able to fill that position – hiring freeze. That was all he was concerned about. Not me or my child. I would say that many who make heartless comments about SAH Parents are not totally in tune with the basics of family. I receive more anti-SAHP comments from African-American women too. I think there is a whole ‘nother cultural dynamic there. Won’t get into that..not trying to hijack your blog.
Hubby constantly lets me know, also, how appreciative he is and how happy he is. His buddies seem to be in awe too. “They wish”…Believe it when your husband says he’s in awe. He and the babies are the only ones who need impressin’.
I miss my paycheck. I do! I miss the tons of free time I used to have. Miss quiet. (My dog howls every time my daughter cries..every single time..he’s a beagle…help me, please). My payment is waking up to see her smiling face. How she clings to my shirt. How I can keep my house in (some kind of) order now. His thanks and appreciation. And this job is harder than any that I’ve had.
Sorry for rambling. I just want you to know that you are special for doing what you are doing for your family in my opinion. Don’t let anyone make you think or feel otherwise.
I’ll get off my high horse now.
I hear that! I’ve been on maternity leave for all of 7 weeks and taking care of a newborn, healing my post-partum self, taking care of the house and running a business is 10x harder than when I used to get up go to work every morning. A coworker asked me the other day, “What do you do all day? Cuddle the baby?” This is the kind of ignorant things because who don’t have kids say. And I know because I used to be one of those kid-free people that questioned what SAHMs did all day. I dun seen the light and I while I am enjoying being able to raise my daughter for 12 weeks, I am also excited about getting back to work. I bow down to SAHMs as it is an extremely difficult and never ending job.
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Ugh. I feel you.
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Girl, SAHM/ WAHM work HARD!!! I used to feel it when I was home more than a few days in a row with Pookah by myself! I applaud you! You are awesome! Don’t let NO ONE tell you different!
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I suggest you come up with an equally insulting comeback about them working. I know I’m petty however God is not through with me yet. But people don’t STHU until you give them a Spoon if their own medicine. The SAHM experience is wonderful and my day was just as if not more busy than when I had a job. There is no official break, no daydreaming at your computer, no watercooler moments. However there is being there when they take their first steps. Priceless!
Ugghh yes, I’ve been there too. You definitely touched on a key point that comes up with not only this topic but so many others: people feel threatened by things that don’t align with their worldview and makes them question their own choices. So the fact that they are so “distressed” by your choices IMO means that they feel dissonance from the choices they’ve made. Too bad for them. Move on! Oh and my best response to idiots like this is silence and a blank stare.
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