So on Facebook, there’s this memory feature, right? It shows you your posts from that day, from previous years. The above photo is me, receiving a breathing treatment two years ago today.
At that time, I was a full time student, running a business, being a mom and wife, and also trying to make time to write. It was a lot. I was stressed, and exhausted, but determined not to drop any of those balls.
And then this happened.
I was on campus, rushing to class. I took the stairs up two floors, like I always did, except this time, I couldn’t catch my breath after. I sat through class, heart racing, panicking, quietly. I barely got to my next class, but when I did, my professor took one look at me and told me to go to student health services. So I did.
They tried a lot to figure out what was wrong. I ended up in the emergency room, then back to student health the next morning, which is when that picture was taken. Then to a cardiologist, for ultrasounds, and stress tests, and Halter monitors.
All of that for them to ultimately decide I’d basically been having a slow, extended panic attack.
And it made sense.
I was so consumed with not dropping anything that I hadn’t taken the time to really look at it if I was actually happy with what I was doing. I was 27 years old needing to visit a cardiologist because I had a bunch of stuff piled on me that I didn’t even really want to be doing.
I finished that semester, but I haven’t been back. Maybe eventually I will, but the degree would honestly be vanity for me right now. I no longer run my graphic design business either, because that was a whole other level of stress.
Now, I write.
And that’s not to say I never have stressful days, cause I definitely do, but they aren’t like before. Now, at the root, I at least WANT to do the things I’m dragging myself out of the bed for in the morning.
And that makes a world of difference – I haven’t had another panic attack since.